How To Properly Weigh Yourself and others!

In these days of health-consciousness and über body-images you might be feeling a bit confused about how to properly weigh yourself and others. Let’s face it, there is a right way and a wrong way. So, I’m going to share the wisdom I’ve gleaned from my years of gaining weight. My weight journey started when I was a baby, I just kept putting on weight! Yes, I do blame my mother! So, although I may not be an expert, I do know what I’m talking about. (It’s been a long road with many a winding turn.) Here are my instructions (print and paste them to the bathroom mirror. Yes, they are that important!):

Upon wakening go to the bathroom, and after eliminating everything, (make sure to completely empty your bladder, how do you do that? Rock back and forth on the throne until every last drop is dropped. ) Get birthday-suit naked, and brush your teeth to make sure there’s no hidden weight there. Next bend-over and give your hair a good brushing. (We do not want any loose strands adding to the poundage). Then, clip every finger and toenail as far back as you can. Next, scrub/scrape/cut away all dead skin cells from feet, knees, knuckles, and elbows. You’d be amazed at how heavy that build-up can be!

Secure your hair in a good quality shower-cap. (you don’t want any moisture on those strands. Water weighs!) Get into the shower and, using a big fresh loofah, scrub your body from face to soles till every dead skin-cell is removed. Lather-up and shave from face to feet. Yes, make sure you get those toe-hairs! That’s the kind of thing that overlooked can be disastrous to the final numbers. Like a scientist in the CDC rinse off a couple of times. Get out of the shower and get dried using a lint-free towel, like one of those micro-fiber ones, we don’t want to ruin all our hard-work only to be foiled by towel-lint! Remove the shower-cap, bend-over one more time and brush out any strands that have come loose during the shower.  Brush your eyebrows, and eyelashes, check for any nose and ear hairs, and remove. Don’t kid yourself, they’re there, get a flashlight if you need to.

Finally, take a cleaning cloth and wipe-down the scales. Making sure there is no speck of dust lingering between the glass window and rubber foot-pad. You are almost ready to step on the scales. Take a blotting cloth and blot away any sweat beads that might have accumulated during the process, brush out hair one more time, shake yourself like an Old-English Sheepdog to make sure no dead skin-cells linger, and step on the scales. Wha-La! your true weight! Well done you. Now, don’t keep this wonderful knowledge to yourself; go and help others you know need to weigh themselves properly.  :-)

 

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